girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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