She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Randomize
