Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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