life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
