do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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