He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
