I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
