i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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