He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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