I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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