atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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