At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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