Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
