I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
