Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
