Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
