Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
