If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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