It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Randomize
