Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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