Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
and you fell through a lawn chair
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
You left your phone here
Wait...
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