i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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