I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
