I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
