thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I feel like death gave me a hand job
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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