She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
