I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
