Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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