The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
