drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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