How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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