No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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