News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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