Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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