my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
