you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
