I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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