The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
