Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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