but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
