Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
