i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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