I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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