Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
