Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
