she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
