You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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