I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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