I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Lo siento on account of my penis...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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