my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
