I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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