Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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