i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
